Day 27: Wednesday, November 4, 2009: You grew a beard once, on several chins.

I have succumbed to temptation, and am now officially involved in my own diet plan.

Call me a crash test dummy for my own brutal sports car, but I’ve been inspired by the thousands of cards and letters you’ve all sent, or is it the few scattered comments — most of which are spam? — I forget . . . it really doesn’t matter.

The thing is, I’m there for you in heart and soul, suffering the first few days of the insult diet, and feeling damn good about it.

Stay the course, and listen to that drill sarge in your head.

DAY 26: Tuesday, November 3, 2009:  You don’t swim, you Tsunami.

Rhymes with salami, which is tasty but not good for you in large quantities.

I’m watching the Phillies play the Yankees, thinking about how certain foods are associated with cities and states, like Philly cheese steak, whatever the hell that is.

Boston Baked Beans, baked Alaska, Texas chili, and Minnesota Fats.

Seattle Slim is what we’re after, if only slim was a food item. 

Fat certainly is.

Day 6:  Wednesday, October 14, 2009:  Your doctor never says to lose weight, he just marvels and takes pictures.

This is where a cycle is recognized, like your dirty little secrets (drugs, alcohol, buying Hannah Montana CDs).

Yesterday was an upper body attack, so today is back to the lower, starting with that tiny fifteen minute portion of General McChrystal’s hour long run, despite certain muscles using the nervous system to cry like a bunch of wimps.

Don’t worry; do some good stretching and start your jog, the pain will quickly be replaced by dizziness and nausea.

MOTIVATION FOR RUNNING

Just kidding!  It gets easier and easier from now on, so run well, and when you’re done, start attacking the gut with sets of crunches and leg lifts.

Do as many reps as you can, resting a good minute or even two between six sets.

Remember; aspirin or mild pain killers are your friend before bed.  The muscles relax and you may sleep a lot better.  Keep eating small meals every two hours.  A big reward is coming on Friday.

DAY 5:  Tuesday, October 13^th, 2009:  When you fall down, it’s just like that boulder in Indiana Jones.

Yesterday you ran for fifteen minutes, so your legs are going to get a nice break.  It’s time to abuse your upper body:  Assume the classic push-up position, but place your hands on the floor so that the tips of your thumbs and index fingers touch, forming a triangle in the space between.  This will put a lot of work on your triceps, and you should feel them burn very quickly.  It’s also going to punish your deltoids.

Do cheaters if you have to, using knees instead of toes, doing reps until it gets strenuous. 

Switch to curls between the push-up sets, so that now you’re alternating between biceps and triceps.  Try to bang out at least six sets of each, although ten is ideal. Use small dumbbells or rocks, whatever it takes to pump those biceps, with a weight you can do about thirty times for the first set, watching it decrease in numbers as your arms get fatigued.  Stick to the diet prescribed yesterday, and take care of your sore legs.  Maybe a hot bath with salts, and some aspirin or other pain reliever.

Tomorrow they’ll thank-you.

EVEN THE TAN HAS MUSCLES